


Confessions of a Hair Follicle

by Ludholtzjj



Series: Robb's Series of Unfortunate Events [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Death Threats, Detective Robb, Drama, F/M, Hair Follicle, Honestly idk what the fuck this is, Humor, Jon and the Starks Are Not Related, Just Roll With It, Nervousness, Overprotective Robb Stark, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 10:42:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14283189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ludholtzjj/pseuds/Ludholtzjj
Summary: Robb’s mouth hung open in offense as Theon continued, “Of course Snow’s getting some ass! What’d you think he was out fucking assassinating people?! This isn’t fucking John Wick!”After months of skipping out on guys night and arriving to the flat late, Robb starts becoming increasingly worried over Jon's behavior. However, after a long conversation with Theon, Robb comes to the conclusion that Jon's hiding a mystery girlfriend from them.





	Confessions of a Hair Follicle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tubbylita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tubbylita/gifts), [chocolateghost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolateghost/gifts).



> Honestly some of this made me cringe, but I was tired of rewriting it so fuck it! Be prepared for this is my craziest/dumbest fic yet!

“Hey Jon, do you want to go out for drinks tonight with me and Theon?!”, Robb yelled.

“Uhhhhh… I- uh… I can’t!”, Jon squeaked from the other room. 

“Why not?!”

“I’ve- uh… got stuff to do… yeah I’ve-uh got… some- uh stuff to do!”

“Well do you need any help or anything?!”

“No…  I’m- uh good!”

Robb heard a crash and a stream of curses as Jon ran into the room, “You alright Jon?!”.

“Yeah I’m fine! Okay bye Robb!”, Jon yelled back nervously as he practically ran straight out of their shared flat. 

“Yeah alright then bye?”, Robb said in confusion. 

Over the past couple of months Robb had noticed that Jon was acting increasingly stranger and stranger. First it started out with little things like him going out more, and putting more effort into what he’d wear. Then it got worse, he’d skip out on guys night, and get back to the flat at absurdly late hours or he wouldn’t show up at all until the next day. 

Robb tired not to let it worry him, hell he’d let it slide thus far, but Jon had been his best friend since they were children, he couldn’t just stand by and let Jon get caught up in some kind of trouble. 

So here he was, subtly trying to worm his way into finding out what was wrong with Jon… so far with mediocre success.

 

* * *

 

 

The pub was crowded, as always;  _ The Night’s Watch  _ was by far the North’s most popular watering hole, there wasn’t a single night it wasn’t at least half full. 

Robb stood near the entrance and looked around, hoping to spot Theon; once he spotted him amongst the crowd he quickly made his way over to the bar and took the free stool next to his longtime friend without hesitation. 

“Hey ya prick, you finally made it!”, Theon shouted as he clasped Robb’s shoulder. 

“What did you think I’d skip out on you, and leave your lonely ass here all by yourself?!”

“Nah I thought you’d be off kissing Snow’s ass, wherever the fuck he’s gone”, Theon laughed.  

Robb nearly spit out his drink, “You’ve noticed too!”

“No shit Robb, I might not be his fucking keeper but it’s clear to see his broody ass isn’t fucking here”.

“Okay Greyjoy no need to be so fucking harsh, it was a genuine fucking question”

Theon merely snorted, “So what’s the deal? Who’s this girl Snow’s seeing? She’s gotta be pretty fucked up if she’s banging his broody ass”.

“What girl?”, Robb asked in confusion.

“Don’t tell me you don’t know?!”, Theon shouted in surprise, but Robb just continued to stare at him with furrowed brows.

Theon shot Robb an unimpressed look, “Robb you are literally the densest motherfucker out here! Arya’s right you are the dumb one”.

Robb’s mouth hung open in offense as Theon continued, “Of course Snow’s getting some ass! What’d you think he was out fucking assassinating people?! This isn’t fucking John Wick!”

Robb avoided Theon’s gaze sheepishly, “You can’t be fucking serious Robb?! Jon fucking Snow… THE Jon motherfucking Snow who can barely kill a fucking spider because it feels morally wrong, even though everyone knows those fuckers are eight legged demons! You are fucking unbelievable!” 

“Alright! I admit it was a little bit of a stretch!”

“A little bit?! No Robb we’re way fucking past that!”

“Alright shit, I admit it was definitely out of all realms of possibility!”

“You’re damn right!”

“Are you going to continue criticizing my word choice or are we gonna fucking talk about this?!”

Theon seemed to contemplate this for a minute, “Theon! Dude what the hell?!”.

“Alright, alright have it your way!”

“Good! Now what do you mean Snow’s getting some ass?”

“And so help me Theon you better keep your fucking smartass reply to yourself”, Theon’s mouth snapped shut. 

“Well I mean Snow’s been dressing nicer and getting back late right?”, Robb nodded.

“There’s your fucking answer right there! Snow could give a lesser fuck how he looks on the daily, but if he was getting some ass-preferably good ass at that- he’d want to look as good as possible wouldn’t he?”

“Yeah, that seems right”. 

“See Stark, stop being so dramatic!”, Robb huffed and turned away from Theon.

“Look I know Snow’s your best friend and you want to help him and make sure he’s alright, but he’s a grown ass man he can take care of himself. Besides if he really needed your help, you can bet your ass he’d ask you”.

“Thanks Theon”

“No problem mate”, Theon patted him on the shoulder before turning back to the pretty waitress at the bar to order more drinks.

Robb sat there contemplating what Theon had told him; maybe he was right, if Jon was really in any kind of trouble he’d never hesitate to ask Robb for help, and besides Theon’s explanation for Jon’s strange behavior made a hell of a lot more sense than Robb’s. 

So now only one question remained, who was this mystery girl Jon was seeing? And why after months of seeing each other had he not thought to introduce her to Robb?

 

* * *

 

 

Robb for a lack of a better word was absolutely trashed, he felt like shit. Robb wasn’t normally that big of a drinker but without Jon there to deter him, he’d unwisely tossed back whatever Theon gave him, which was proving to be a mistake.  

After successfully getting himself into the apartment, Robb made a beeline for the bathroom. Considering running wasn’t an option, Robb was surprised he even made it to the toilet before vomiting his guts out. 

Robb sat there for several minutes in agony as he continued to vomit and dry heave, god he was never fucking drinking ever again. 

When he was finally finished spitting out his goddamn organs, he rested his back up against the wall…  and that’s when he heard it.

The unmistakable sound of low moans and shuffling noises coming from further down the hall. 

Slowly making his way to his feet, Robb left the bathroom and crept down the hallway to investigate. As Robb drew nearer to the source, the sounds began to increase in volume, until Robb stood directly in front of Jon’s room where the sound was undeniably coming from. 

Robb stood there frozen for several minutes, there was no fucking denying what the fuck was going on behind that door. He could hear Jon grunting and groaning along with the mystery girl gasping and moaning. At one point the girl whined out Jon’s name, and Robb took his cue to get the fuck out of there! 

Robb cringed as the sounds followed him all the way to his room, Jon knew Robb was going out tonight with Theon, and usually when he went out with Theon he’d crash at his flat, so Jon must’ve taken advantage of that and brought the girl over; and sadly for Robb he chose to come back home tonight instead of going to Theon’s.

Robb had never been more glad he was drunk off his ass, hopefully he wouldn’t remember a damn thing the next day. However, as Robb lay in bed he couldn’t help but think that he’d heard that girls voice before… 

But the question was, where?

 

* * *

 

 

The sun was beaming in through the windows, causing Robb to groan when he finally cracked his eyes open. He moaned and slung an arm over his eyes, he had the world’s worst hangover. 

Robb kept his eyes covered and took several calming breaths in an attempt to stamp down the nausea, before ultimately climbing out of bed. 

Robb left his room and slowly made his way to the kitchen as the room continued to spin dangerously. 

When he’d finally made it to his destination, he found Jon leaning up against the counter with his back turned to him.

“Hey”, Robb croaked out.

Jon quickly spun around with a look of surprise on his face, “Robb! What are you doing here?!”, he exclaimed in surprise. 

“I live here”, Robb snorted. 

“No shit. But-uh… ho- how long have you been here?”, he squeaked. 

“I was here all night”

“Yo- you didn’t sleep at Theon’s?”

“Nah, I decided to come home last night. I just had one of those feelings ya know?”

“Yeah I guess”, Jon replied nervously.

Robb frowned at him in confusion, “Mate, are you alright? You’re acting strange?”

“Me?! Wh-what yeah no… I’m-uh yeah I’m fi- fine”

Robb just shook his head and made his way over to the coffee machine, it was way to early for this shit. 

“I-uh you know… wa-was just- uh wondering i-if you by any chance ya know… saw or-uh heard an-anything last night?”, Jon muttered as he shuffled his feet nervously. 

“Not that I remember no”, Robb replied, which caused Jon to visibly relax.

“Why do you ask?”

“No reason!”, Jon yelled nervously. 

“Whatever Jon, look imma go take a shower okay? You’re acting way to fucking strange for me right now”

“Yeah sure”, Jon replied before sprinting out of the room. 

 

* * *

 

 

Robb threw off his sweaty shirt and turned on the shower. From the other side of the wall he could hear Jon talking frantically on the phone with someone. Robb dismissed this information and pulled the rest of his clothes off and stepped into the shower.

As the water poured off of his body, he squirted a palm sized amount of shampoo onto his hand and he soothingly rubbed it through his scalp. 

Robb was thoroughly washing the shampoo out of his hair when his eyes landed on a ball of hair floating around the shower drain. Robb didn’t immediately think anything of it, Jon and him had considerably long hair and usually lost a fair amount of strands throughout the day. 

They usually tried to gather up all the hair they lost in the shower and throw it out, but sometimes they missed a few strands and would have to throw it out the next day. However as Robb picked up the hair and was getting ready to throw it out, the light hit the strands and Robb noticed the color wasn’t his own. 

Robb’s hair was undoubtedly red but just like his mother, his hair was a far darker shade of red than any other of his relatives. The hair Robb was holding now he recognized as being several shades lighter than his own, just like San-... 

Robb stopped moving in surprise. No, it couldn’t be… but it made so much more sense! Jon wouldn’t want to introduce Robb to his girlfriend, if his girlfriend just so happened to be Robb’s own sister! Especially if he found out that Jon was fucking his sister… 

Robb suddenly looked down at the hair he held in his hand, it could only mean one of two things… either Jon was letting Sansa use their shower or Jon and Sansa were taking showers together and that would mean that they…  

Realizing that he stood there for several minutes without doing anything, Robb dropped the hair in disgust and quickly turned the water off and jumped out of the shower as fast as he possibly could! 

Robb promptly grabbed a towel and ran straight out of the bathroom, “TRAITOR!!!!!! I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU SNOW!!!!!!!!” 

**Author's Note:**

> LMFAO so this crazy/dumb fic is actually based off of my real life! So I have waist length hair (my hair's basically a little bit longer than season 1 Cersei's) so I generally lose a lot of hair (the average person loses about 100-125 hairs per day) and so whenever I'm in the shower I gotta gather up the strands and throw them out since my brother and I share a shower, and I wear glasses that I obviously don't wear in the shower so sometimes I miss some strands and I gotta throw them out the next day. Anyway so my older brother lives with me, and so one day I'm in the shower and I notice some hair floating around the drain so I pick it up and I'm about to throw it away when I notice it's not my hair color. My hair is kinda like Jon/Kit's it's a dark brown color that can be easily mistaken for black and the hair I picked up was red, now I have the odd red strand of hair in my head because genetics, but I sure as hell know that hair isn't mine. So I'm sitting there thinking and then it hits me, my brother's girlfriend has red hair. So then I'm standing there thinking there's only two ways this got in here, either the girl showered in there by herself or my brother and her showered together and knowing my brother they probably... I've never jumped out of the shower so fast in my life!


End file.
